Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
