I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
