It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
