took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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