I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize