how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
