I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
