I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize