if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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