I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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