What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
