the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
