remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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