Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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