I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
that may or may not have been my penis.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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