The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
