I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
