We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
