high people should be assigned attendants
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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