i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
