Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
