cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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