I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
