He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
