Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
