I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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