you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
