If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I don't deserve a penis
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
