I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
