You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
