Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Someone came in the potted fern
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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