Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
