is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
