I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
worst night to have a conscience
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
