You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
