I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
