I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
A bitchslap is in order.
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