i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize