You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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