i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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