I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
