Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
