just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
