I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
