My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
