Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
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