So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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