I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
