If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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