Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
