I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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