your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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