You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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