It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
