Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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