I met the friendliest cop last night
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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