Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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