i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
