So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
