I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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