one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
