he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize